Caution...

I've hit the 3 week postpartum mark, which means that the hormones are at an all time high, emotional breakdowns are inevitable, and there is officially no distinction between day and night. I think the first 2 weeks I was running on adrenaline, relishing in my new role as a mom of two, recovering from a far more positive labor and delivery than my first, which made me feel like I could conquer anything, and have been lucky enough to have a relatively sleepy calm baby....during the day that is, who also happens to like to be awake from midnight to 5 am and nurse every 30 minutes.

My reality now - the side effects of sleep deprivation has reared its ugly head and I find myself being on the brink of either tears or mental meltdown at any given moment.

I'm like a 2 year old...probably shouldn't be taken to the mall or grocery store for fear I might throw myself to the ground in a full on tantrum. Don't even think about offering me food I don't like, I might throw it at the wall. And if anyone even thinks about telling me to go take a nap, expect some attitude.

Motherhood is not for wimps, let's be honest. Some of us are better at holding it together than others, or maybe at least make it appear that way. But I am sad to admit that I don't think I am one of THOSE women.

Patience...I have none.

I may have been glowing while I was pregnant, now I'm just sweaty and hot from the hormones.

Showers? Brushing teeth? General basic hygiene? At this point, I pick one to tackle for the day and consider that a good day and hope no one gets close enough to smell me or look at the brownie I had for breakfast stuck in my teeth.

I completely failed at making a frozen CPK pizza for dinner recently. I want to eat healthy especially because I'm nursing but find it nearly impossible to cook anything in between distracting Talan and feeding and comforting a newborn.

The laundry is piling up and I constantly have dirty dishes in the sink which is making it difficult for me to control my innate neat freakiness.

Bills? That's right, I have to pay those too.

My bedroom smells of Desitin and dirty diapers instead of my yummy Tommy Bahama candles.

Oh and that's right, I have a backyard with an overgrown lemon tree that has to be pruned at some point otherwise the homeowners association is gonna get on my back eventually.

I'm running low on contact lenses and if they tell me I will require an updated eye exam to get a refill, I'm going to get someone fired.

I still have Thank you cards to complete from my baby shower....guilty.

And why is it that immediately after you have a baby, everyone wants to know when you're going back to work? As if while gazing adoringly at my newborn baby, I want to think about the day that I have to re-enter the real world and leave my new baby all too soon. It's the last thing I want to think about.

We just bought a new couch, because our original one is not comfortable enough to serve as Jason's new bed. That's right...he's on the couch. And yet the baby and I are in our room where I'm NOT ACTUALLY SLEEPING because by the time I put my head on the pillow, the baby is up from midnight to 5 every hour or less either wanting to nurse, or wide awake, or just plain grunty and noisy which keeps me awake.

The mommy guilt is beginning to set it at not being able to give my full attention to T...I feel like all I do is try to defer him to yet another activity for him to do by himself so I can feed the baby or change him, or do some household task. He is such a TROOPER, he has adapted so well at being more independent and doing so many things all by himself, like getting dressed, packing his own things, getting his snacks, just to name a few. And he helps so much too, he has to unbutton the baby's outfits so we can change his diaper, or hand me the diaper wipes, or try to comfort Tanner when he makes any little whimper or noise. He tells me how I'm supposed to buckle him up, or hold him properly, and he always tells Tanner how much he loves him. Talan is one AMAZING big brother.

At 4am this morning, I however had my first official breakdown occurred.

Being pregnant and having a baby is not about fancy over-the-top themed baby showers, wearing Nicole Ritchie's latest maternity line, buying the most expensive, eco friendly, organic pretty baby gadgets/clothes/toys, $800 strollers, etc. Don't let celebrity baby blog or parenting magazine fool you...it's about super maxi-pads, sweatpants, breastmilk stains, lanolin, breastfeeding in the most inopportune environments, projectile spit-up, being lulled to sleep - er uh I mean rest, by the sound of a breast pump, cereal for dinner, leftover Chinese food for breakfast, stretchmarks, sore boobs, unplucked eyebrows, adjusting to the reality that 2 hours is the equivilent of a good night sleep, and conversation with your husband entails placing an order at Mcdonald's.

If you ask me how it's all going having 2 kids, I'm probably going to lie and say something along the lines of "Oh sure, it's going pretty well," or "It's not as hard as I thought it was going to be." Just smile and nod....I'm just trying not to be a big wimp.